Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
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Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.