The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Cake!!
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.