The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.