Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
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“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.