Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
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If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
new record!
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?