I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.