“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
😂😂😂
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.