I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.