I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight