Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Was it something I said?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.