Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
You Might Also Like
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Passwords are more important than ever.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
They grow up so quick
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.