[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
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MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
The cashier just checked me out.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.