Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
It was worth a shot 😂
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.