Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so