[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down