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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Note to self: I am a note
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!