Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
You Might Also Like
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”