my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
What?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs