sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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i wish i could marry a nap
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant