There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
You Might Also Like
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I am also baked goods
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Pikachu found the lost joint
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride