Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Plant care tips
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.