Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.