Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
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Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
no refunds
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Just me?
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.