My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
same energy
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.