Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
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Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.