A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
You Might Also Like
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About