Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last