My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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the simulation is moving too fast
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
😂😂
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.