Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.