My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
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When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.