People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Encore…
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
A classic…