Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
The pasta is now
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.