“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
You Might Also Like
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
thank god
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?