<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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Me: Same.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you