[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
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The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.