Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I feel it
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.