Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
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Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!