Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.