Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you