I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
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[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Attacked by a mop.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”