me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
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Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Google assistant rules
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun