After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium