*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Well, that should do it
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Software Development ⛵️
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Nose
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams