Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters