if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
fixed it
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.