but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.