Tammy is short for Tamuel
You Might Also Like
In search of a Dom(ino鈥檚 Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
When you vacuum your kid鈥檚 room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I鈥檓 confident that they couldn鈥檛 hurt anyone even if they tried.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Me: *doesn鈥檛 laugh at friend鈥檚 story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald鈥檚 ordered the rest of the food.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
A Short Story.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I鈥檓 thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I鈥檓 done thinking about it.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa鈥檚 drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something