My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
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TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
ready to be harvested
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!