Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go