I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”